Most of us would like to be in a loving and happy relationship – but what is it that makes us so thirsty and longing for this? And when finally having it, why is it sometimes so difficult to be happy in it?
In this article we will open up the topic of polarity – what it is, what people search for and how we can gain the will and knowledge to operate it.
We will also explore how to play this game effectively. We will discover, as with any game or sport we wish to play well, we must develop a certain level of competence. And the game of polarity in a couple is no different.
From the world’s ancient traditions, we have heard many different expressions of polarity: Taoism’s yin and yang, Arithmetic’s plus (+) and minus (-), Shaivism’s Shiva and Shakti, and indigenous people’s Father Sky and Mother Earth.
These traditions all refer to the same notion – that the universe is created and sustained by two opposite but complimentary forces: the supreme masculine and the eternal feminine.
These two poles are known as being the building blocks of the universe. The complex combination & interactions between the masculine & feminine results in all the structures that exist around us.
The traditions also teach that when combined in a perfect balance – when plus and minus merge and become zero – it is possible to access a state of non-duality where the heart of God is discovered.
In modern science & engineering, the Law of Polarity is most well-known in the form of electromagnetism – the fundamental force of nature that manifests as attraction between magnets, and electrical power in batteries, through the interaction of opposite poles.
When we consciously play the game of polarity, we choose to play as one of these poles (either masculine or feminine), and the other chooses to play the opposite but complementary pole.
This is, in fact, the expression of a deeply imbedded wish in all of us to reach a the perfect balance – perfect androgyny – in which we realize our Godhood. This is the deep-seated reason why we are called to play this game.
A Never-Ending Search for the One
Many of us have experienced when our relationship doesn’t work out as we’d imagined: it seems no matter how much we desire and try to make it to work, it simply won’t!
We cannot happily live under these circumstances, and at some point it seems inevitable that it has to come to an end.
Often the lovers know this even before they admit it to each other, or even to themselves. We feel something is off and that we are not entirely suited for each other. But paradoxically, at the very same time we feel we need to separate, we often feel totally certain that we do belong together!
This inner conflict creates suffering and heartbreak. We feel a strong pull towards our relationship with the other, but are simultaneously so unhappy that we choose to end it. Why can’t we make it work?
In reality, we are connected with the deep truth that we do belong together. We know this deep in our hearts. We have an intense longing for merging with the other, and this shows the existence of polarity within our souls, in the same way as a pair of magnets have an invisible force that attracts them to each other. Even long after we’ve left our beloved, we still remember how we loved them; we remember their essence and how our beings together created an egregore of “us”.
This egregore stays with us as a proof of how we still belong together even after we choose to end a relationship. We still feel an intense longing for the other, and sometimes we even feel we are still close to all the others we once had a love relationship with. This signifies the secret truth that we as men and women are meant to be together – we wired to merge and become One.
This is also a spiritual truth. The fact that we suffer and end our relationships only shows that we didn’t fully embody our spiritual heritage, and didn’t yet fully understand how to play according to God’s design. But we all still play the game, carried out by our longings.
Usually we end our relationship on a background of lack of knowledge: when one or both lovers do not play their role, usually out of ignorance, it sabotages the polarity between them. Eventually one or both reaches a point of saturation where they no longer manage to freely manifest their masculinity or femininity, because of a loss of faith in their synergy.
In this way, the magnetism becomes weak. They simply don’t manage any longer to play the game of the masculine & feminine like they used to in the beginning of the relationship, where everything was magical and fresh, and they did not yet know each other’s flaws inside and out.
When searching for the One, learning to play the game of polarity between man & woman ensures the couple never loses faith in their relationship, and thus can continuously stay on the path of evolution together, deepening their love, intimacy and union. In this way we discover that our beloved truly is the One. In fact, they are the One only while we are One together – when having polarity!
Man Leads in Life, Woman Leads in the Bedroom
A great secret of happiness & fulfillment in a couple relationship is the goodwill and desire of each of the lovers to learn & play their respective polar role for each other.
When looking for our roles, there is a wise saying: “Man leads in life, while woman leads in the bedroom.”
From first read it might sound odd, and we might wonder – is this not a constraint?
When dealing with polarity in a couple relationship, we must realize that we each are suited to play a certain role, and the other person is better suited to play the complimentary role. It is a game in which we must not only play our role, but also to provide the support & space for the other to play theirs!
Of course we can each lead our own life and lead in the bedroom as well. But a couple relationship provides a unique opportunity – we can choose to consciously manifest the behaviors and attitudes which are characteristic to either the masculine or the feminine, so that we strengthen the poles as much as possible within our “unit” of the couple.
In this way, the other one helps us assimilate both of the poles in a faster & more powerful way, as we embody them together in the couple!
When we are deeply polarized, we attract each other like the magnets and merge, even on a spiritual level, in our inner universe. And mysteriously, what the other manifests, we now have access to as well. This is the nature of oneness, of complete balance – it contains both plus (+) and minus (-), masculine and feminine. It contains the aspects of both lovers, simultaneously within each one of the lovers.
To understand the above statement, we must acknowledge that each of them are better suited to be leaders in certain areas – where one is more easily able to access a higher level or perspective than the other in this area. They have a natural talent in each area, according to the predominance of masculinity or femininity in their structure.
Likewise, the opposite pole ‘following the lead’ plays an equally important role – to help, support or even serve that vision.
More specifically, woman is naturally adept at supporting the man in matters of daily life – because she is, by nature, extraordinarily good at supporting life itself. And man is naturally adept at supporting the woman and to help her in matters of eroticism – because he is, by nature, extraordinarily good at supporting her fulfillment in lovemaking.
When the man or woman actively goes into their supportive role, they are actually training and developing themselves; as they support & follow the other one with natural affinities or talents in an area, they nurture and develop the same competencies in themselves.
We will see that by playing the supportive role for our beloved – by supporting and ensuring the other one’s happiness in a certain area – we also manage to fulfill & complete ourselves.
We will see that the man develops superior receptivity and even awakens his inner woman, in the process of supporting his beloved. And the woman develops harmonious solarity and awakens her inner man, in the process of supporting her beloved.
In this way he becomes more and more a manifestation of Shiva (the supreme masculine principle in Tantra) and she becomes a manifestation of Shakti (the eternal feminine principle in Tantra).
In Tantra, it is said that Shakti cannot exist without Shiva – and likewise, the woman cannot be truly feminine without also developing awareness and control.
In the same way, it is said that Shiva cannot exist without Shakti – and likewise, the man cannot be truly masculine without the perfect mastery and abundance of energy.
(to be continued)